i'm sorry

this post is dedicated to all my friends who apologize too much- i'm sure i've probably told you.

it's been a tough lesson for me that at the beginning a new job, there is a learning curve. i just want to immediately be great at everything. this i-need-to-ask-someone-what-to-do-next feeling is quite annoying. i want to be independent, for goodness sake!

and so, in my new job, 97% of everything i do is something new to be learned. yikes! needless to say, i make many mistakes, so i find myself apologizing numerous times during the day. granted, these are much-needed and sincere apologies (unlike those crazy-nice people who apologize all the time!). however, i hate apologizing at work now... the words feel so empty. i wish there was something else i could say or do to make it better.

i'm not sure why this was the tradition in my house growing up, but i just didn't apologize much to my family. i guess it could've been because i didn't do anything to hurt anyone, but if you know me you'd probably disagree. in all seriousness, i think we were scared to admit our wrong, admit our hurt, and sit in that awkward or painful emotion. i think i was also scared to not be forgiven, so i just avoided the difficult beauty of forgiveness and instead chose to ignore the other person's wound.

this also hinders me from entering in to true confession and repentance to my Heavenly Father. He calls me and expects me to say "i'm sorry" regularly. and He promises to forgive me and still loves me every time i hurt Him. i'm so so thankful for a loving Father who prepared a way for me to come to Him and apologize.... and has left the Spirit to guide me into a deeper understanding of this phenomenon.